I am totally lost.

[I didn't write in response to a specific prompt] 

My parents have always wanted me to have a smooth life. They want me to have a direction, to go the safe path–of attending a good university, then advancing to some high-paying career where I would be respected and would earn myself enough financial freedom to enjoy my life. At least that’s what I’m speculating from all the times that they–especially my dad–have preached the importance of my university’s name value and finding a major that will give “stability” in my life. Well, my parents in general aren’t very pushy in terms of academics, but when I bring up the subject of college admissions, discussing how getting into a top college isn’t as important as it used to be, or that I’m interested in applying to a liberal arts college to study sociology and environmental studies, they catch on quick with their own input, basically doing everything they can to stir me clear toward what they think is the safe path. 

Honestly, maybe they are right. Maybe a happy life does entail having some level of stability and prestige under my belt. But I would hate a life without exploration, adventure, and taking risks. I want to go down a more unconventional pathway, where I would get to experience diverse things, to explore and tackle a multitude of my interests–spanning STEM, humanities, and social sciences. I romanticize my future self in my mid-twenties, imagining a period of struggle when young artists, entrepreneurs, or trailblazers wander, running themselves into real-life challenges and deep life questions. A time when they are churning out unique ideas and theories, forming their own identity, and realizing how they fit into the rest of the world, until they finally discover and design a path for themselves, rather than conforming to the social norm by default. 

I want to have a unique career, never anything like being shuttled from undergrad to graduate school to the research lab. It’s a life that is commonplace for STEMmy people. To me, it’s also a life that, after having been around so many researchers (including my dad) and having done some research on my own, seems bleak to me. 

I hate the time-killing repetition of lab work, the futility of the academic publishing business, and the seeming disconnection between research and the real world. How much high-quality research about mitigation strategies for climate change would it take for policymakers to actually implement them and carry out the necessary actions at a needed pace? How long would it take between developing a cheaper energy storage technology and fully commercializing and installing those batteries in rural Sub-Saharan Africa? 

I’m very committed to spending my life solving global problems, and because of this, I’m also deeply aware of the limitations of certain careers in contributing meaningful progress for those problems. As a result, I’ve become cynical about what society–and my parents–are presenting as the “safe” pathway for my life. In a world occupied with climate change and food insecurity (plus numerous other grand challenges) where we need dramatic changes and innovation, the things I’ve been told are the “holy grail” seem too vanilla, inadequate. Maybe this is why I feel the need to give myself more freedom in my future--so that I can figure out the best way I can make an impact. 

Yet, I also feel stranded by my responsibilities as an only child and immigrant. I feel sorry for my parents when I think about abandoning their wishes for my own ambitions. I can’t bring myself to confidently set a path for myself and follow it without first seeking their input.  

After pondering about my dreams of making a global impact, I find myself yet again reaching into the “safety zone”, clocking into a session of brainstorming college essay topics and nonchalantly drafting out another “What drives you?” essay, something I know my parents would approve of. Looking into my future, I feel deeply torn between the two options that the world has set for me. Defy societal norms and trailblaze my own path? Follow along the financially and socially stable footsteps? I am totally lost.